Mission Statement

I had been toying about creating a mission statement and ended up creating what i believe was a succesful one in the end for Tailored Solutions. I received helpful terms from the owner of the business when they sent me this:
Our mission is:
- To provide an outstanding and superior fiancial service to our clients.
- Through well trained empathetic, customer trained staff.
- Using Cutting edge IT that works and adds value to the business.
- Following laid down structures ensuring consistency of value.
- Staff seeing themselves as professional regardless of position within the company.
- With a clearly defined job role.

As you can see this is all very well and good but it is too long and not concise enough. I came up with "Tailored Solutions is leading the Independent Financial Idustry within Norwich due to empathetic and customer trained staff, using cutting edge IT that works and adds value to the business". What does everyone think?